I don’t really know what it’s been lately.
But for some reason I keep tearing up at the smallest of things.
It might be that it’s almost Christmas.
I’ve never been away from my parents on a holiday.
I was blessed enough to be home for Thanksgiving.
Is there another appendix in my body somewhere that could rupture so I could spend Christmas Eve eating chinese food or decorating Christmas cookies with my family?
But I think it has more to do with what God’s been doing in me lately.
As I grow more in my relationship with Christ I’m learning more and more about who I am.
But more importantly it’s been making me ask,
Why am I the way I am?
After living with sixty people who were all raised in different, unique circumstances you realize just how much of your childhood, of your family, is built into your identity.
It makes me appreciate how great my family is.
Daddy always told me, ‘don’t smack your gum like that. Spite it out.’
My momma always taught me that, ‘there is a place for everything, and everything has its place.’
But in all seriousness, it was more than just the repeated advice from loving parents.
As a little girl, I was delighted in by my parents.
They loved me and I knew it.
I felt it when dad took me to the father-daughter ball.
I felt it when mom would kiss my boo-boos after I fell down.
I felt it when dad showed me how I deserved to be treated.
I felt it when mommy let me dress up however I felt like it.
I felt it when dad would have running races with me. (He usually won)
I felt it when mom would show me the wonderful world of nature and once let me bring an abandoned baby raccoon home.
I was even delighted in by my big brothers.
Whether it was Carl watching over me and wrestling with me…
Or Zack constantly dressing me up or playing pretty pretty princess with me. (Sometimes he even painted my nails)
My brothers loved me! (as annoying as I was)
I don’t tell you all this to brag about how good my childhood was.
No, I tell you to open my heart up.
To be vulnerable.
But my childhood WAS pretty good.
I’m really lucky to have such an amazing family.
I don’t have issues seeing God as my heavenly father, because my earthly dad did a phenomenal job loving me.
So why do I feel such a huge disconnect from God?
One thing my dad always said was, “If he doesn’t treat you as good as your daddy does then he isn’t good enough for you.”
This is a piece of advice I wish I had listened to.
I’ve had my share of heart break.
But what made me keep going back time and time again to have my heart broken?
Because I wanted to be wanted.
I wanted to be beautiful to someone.
I wanted someone to fall in love with me.
I wanted to captivate someone.
I wanted someone to choose me out of all the other girls.
There’s something about opening a love letter.
There’s something about getting that kind of attention.
There’s something about randomly receiving flowers.
There’s something about being romanced.
I believe as women we all have the desire to be wanted built into who we are.
We want to be delighted in.
I don’t have issues with God as my heavenly Father…
I have issues with God as a Lover.
I used to obsess over this one scene from Grey’s Anatomy.
Meredith and Derek are standing in the scrub room.
Addison has recently walked back into Derek’s life,
But he’s started this relationship with Mer.
And they’re standing there and she becomes completely vulnerable.
She opens up her heart, lays it on the table, and there’s a chance Derek won’t pick it up.
She says to him, “I lied. I’m not out of this relationship. I’m so in, it’s humiliating, because here I am begging. Okay, here it is. Your choice, it’s simple. Her or me. And I’m sure she’s really great. But, Derek, I love you. In a really really big, pretend to like your music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me.
That something about being romanced comes from God.
That feeling of being wanted comes from God.
Because isn’t that what He feels?
Doesn’t God put himself out there time and time again?
Is he not vulnerable?
Does he not say,
Choose me.
Pick me.
Love me.
Later in that episode Derek goes back to Addison.
And Meredith is left heartbroken.
We turn our back to God all the time.
We choose to put other things, people, plans in front of Him.
Instead of Him.
We break His heart.
He wants us to desire Him.
Our God is a romantic God.
I don’t know when my image of romance became so skewed.
I don’t know when I got the idea that I needed to find a husband to fulfill my life’s purpose.
I don’t know when my self-worth became so dependent on boys.
I don’t know when I became so dependent on boys.
And I don’t even know why.
But does any of that matter?
Parents have to let their children make their own mistakes.
And I know it took my parents all they had to bite their tongues as I walked out various relationships that weren’t the best.
And sometimes they couldn’t keep quiet.
And a lot of times I shut them out.
I didn’t want to hear it.
And I’ve been doing that to my heavenly Father for so long…
…I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be desired by Him.
But in the past month,
Jesus has been taking me on quite a few dates.
You could say things are getting pretty serious.
He’s been writing me countless love letters.
He won’t stop writing songs about me.
He keeps romancing me with beautiful flowers and breathtaking sunsets.
My friends are constantly telling me that he can’t stop talking about me.
He even has cute pet names for me…
‘beloved’
‘beautiful’
‘precious’
He’s teaching me that beauty comes from within.
That I am enough.
That He delights in my beauty.
He chooses me every time.
I captivate Him with a simple smile.
I’m learning to let God pursue me.
He’s teaching me to be dependent on Him.
And Him alone.
Not a boy.
Because who wants a boy anyway?
I need a man.
And now, I know just the one.
