I feel like I’m waiting.
I feel like I’m waiting for that big moment that will change my whole life.
I feel like I’m waiting on the day, the moment, or the rush of feelings that I had expected were awaiting me here in Honduras.
I feel like my life is passing me by but I’m still waiting for it to even begin.
I feel like I’m living day to day, but I’m not really here because I’m so intently searching for the answer.
The answer that will tell me who I am, what I’m going to do for the rest of my life, who I’ll marry, or where I’ll be a year from now.
In May my dad was diagnosed with stage II bladder cancer.
This is the man who is my rock, my provider, my shelter, the one who keeps me safe, the center of my life, and has had a huge part in building who I am as a person.
This shook my life up quite a bit.
I watched this man who didn’t deserve this horrible disease weakened because of this illness.
Our lives changed substantially, a fact I didn’t quite realize until now.
My father went from being at work 5 days a week to being home all the time.
Taking multiple naps every day.
Struggling with having control over his life and body.
I don’t say this to make him appear weak.
Physically yes, he was different than he had been before.
But in this he became strong.
He became a man of God like I had never seen before.
I believe that God allowed this to happen to my father to strengthen him as a man.
To strengthen my mom as a wife, a mother, a woman of Christ.
To strengthen and unit the bond between me and my brothers.
To strengthen us as a family.
And it did.
Through what the enemy intended to weaken and damage our family…
Instead united and grew our family as a whole.
It taught us all how to love better.
On October 7, 2013 my dad had a major surgery to cure his cancer.
On October 7th I lived hour by hour.
I took the day on moment by moment.
Update by update.
For the first time since I got to Honduras, I actually lived in the moment I was experiencing at that exact point in time.
On this particular day I was in a place in Honduras called ‘The Valley of the Angels’
This is a small get away up in the mountain, full of small shops placed purely for tourist enjoyment no doubt.
These shops are full of home made bracelets and headbands.
Drug rugs and colorful pants.
Wood carvings with ‘Honduras’ craftily carved into the artwork.
On this particular day I was not waiting for my big moment.
This is when I realized the big moment doesn’t exist.
I discovered that life is absolutely about the little moments.
That life is made up of millions of moments that lead us to where we are.
I believe this is how God intended us to live.
That He intended us to live in the present, to focus on the tangible.
I choose to live in these moments and not plan for the days ahead.
Looking back now I realize I am not the person I was when I stepped on that plane in the Indianapolis airport.
I didn’t experience a big moment to get here.
It was that moment I chose joy instead of anger when the schedule changed.
It was the moment I chose to step out of my comfort zone and spend the night in a women’s rehab center that didn’t smell the best or look the cleanest.
It was that moment I chose to play soccer with Ariel instead of taking a nap like I so dearly desired.
It was the moment I chose to unconditionally love this puppy that gave me scabies (and seems to keep getting sick) instead of giving up on her.
It was all the moments in which I had to grow up a little bit because I am on my own for the first time.
It was the moment my team and I played soccer in the mountains.
It was the moment we rode in the back of a truck.
It was the moment we almost got lost in a taxi.
It was the moment Laura Beth fell off the bus.
It was the moment Noami called me ‘hia’(daughter) when I called out to her in the kitchen.
It was the moment three-year-old Genesis ran towards me with open arms yelling, “RAQUEL”
It was the moment I cried in front of my team and was vulnerable for the first time.
It was the moment Ariel, a guy who came from the streets and a gang told me “I love you more” after I had said to him “Te quiero mucho”
It’s all these small moments that have led to where I am and who I am right now.
And perhaps…
…this is my big moment…
