For the last two weeks my squad has been living in San Juan, Guatemala after being moved out of Honduras.
It’s beautiful here.
The house we live in looks out over the lake and is surrounded by volcanoes and mountains on all sides.
The view never gets old.
We’ve been regrouping a lot here, something we desperately needed.
We’ve been staying with the Guatemala team that lives here.
To be honest though I’ve been a bit discouraged.
Everyone keeps talking about hearing the voice of the Lord and being so spiritually connected to Him.
I don’t get that.
I hear about it all the time, but I don’t feel like I’ve personally experienced it.
The other night I was sitting around the fire with some people looking at the stars when I mentioned I had never seen a shooting star before.
Immediately one guy from the other team here named Chuck Morris (yes I promise that’s his name) told me we were going to go sit and wait until God showed me one.
I had my doubts.
Like I said God doesn’t usually show up for me.
In the hour that we sat there Austin saw one and Chuck saw two.
I like to think I’m an observant person…obviously not.
I felt like such a child sitting there waiting.
As I hopelessly gazed up at the sky waiting for one little sign that I was special, that God was there, or that He was trying to talk to me at all, I lost all belief that God was going to speak to me.
The next day after lunch I was having quiet time when fasting was brought to my heart.
This is something I’ve always felt led to do, but just have never known when a good time was.
So I prayed about it and decided to start right then, 3:30 on Thursday and figured I’d go only three days considering I had never fasted before…which would land me at 3:30 on Sunday.
The days that follow are a day by day journal of how my fast went.
Day 1(Tuesday): Since I started after lunch the only meal I’ve missed is dinner. But I am so hungry. Tonight I sat by the fire with everyone again. Out of the blue Chuck told me he felt that God was telling him that I needed to fast from my bible for three days. I quickly said that I would and thought nothing of it. Then one of my friends pointed out that it was the same amount of time I had planned on fasting. Considering I hadn’t told Chuck about my fast yet my friend told me that this was God talking to me through this. Chuck is a pretty smart guy, so I guess I’m fasting from food and my bible. I don’t know how I feel about that…I had looked forward to spending that time in the word, but instead during meals I’ll just sit with God and talk and listen.
Day 2(Friday): I’m 24 hours in and I’m not hungry anymore. The quiet time I’ve been experiencing with God isn’t what I had hoped it to be. I haven’t felt like the Lord has been talking to me much at all. Maybe this fast wasn’t from Him.
Day 3 (Saturday): I am convinced that God speaks to me through nature. There’s just something about how I can’t get over how beautiful it all is. Today my team and I went zip lining down a volcano and the view was absolutely incredible. I could sit and look at a tree for hours and find something new and magnificent about it every second. Everything from the way it looks to how it works takes my breath away. This is how God sees me. He could sit and watch me for hours and be amazed by me. I think I’ve always desired this kind of attention but I have always sought it out in earthly guys. I’m realizing this is my issue hearing God. I’ve always looked for fulfillment in other places. My heart is wandering and I’ve been unfaithful. ‘He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his grace and mercy.’ I want to be romanced by God and fall deep in love with Him.
Day 4 (Sunday): I broke down today. This morning I felt like God was putting it on my heart to fast for a longer period of time. So during worship I was praying and asking Him if He would want me to go on for a week. In that moment Liz (my squad leader) came up to me and prayed, “Go a little longer, get a little deeper, give more to the Lord.” Well doesn’t God have great timing? A week it is then. This afternoon my team and I went grocery shopping with our cooks and took them out to lunch. We happened to go to a restaurant where the food smelled amazing and looked even better. As it came around to me to order I asked only for a coke, when the waiter told me all they had was pepsi…I started crying. I was extremely tired and irritable the rest of the day and had a hard time controlling my emotions. I didn’t realize how often people talked about food but every time they did there was a sharp pull at my stomach. In these moments I completely have been depending on God. I’ve never felt completely dependent upon Him before.
Day 5 (Monday): Every time I have tried to sit down and have quiet time someone has walked up to talk to me. God told me to write a couple notes to people today. More and more He has been putting things on my heart and showing up…talking to me! He’s been romancing me through nature a lot lately. I was sitting on a rock looking out over the water playing with some leaves that had collected beside the stone. I picked one up and smelled it…it was marvelous. It reminded me of home and Thanksgiving, a little gift from God. He also told me to ask my team if they’d like to join me for 12 hours in my fast. They all are praying about it and getting back to me in the morning.
Day 6 (Tuesday): I can’t really grasp that I haven’t eaten for 6 days. I keep thinking about why we’re so dependent on food. I really didn’t realize how much my schedule depended on meals. Without them, all the days have been running together. Looking back on a Jesus Calling from November 7th, “I am training you to depend on Me alone, finding fulfillment in My Presence. This entails being satisfied with much or with little, accepting either as My will for the moment. Instead of grasping and controlling, you are learning to release and receive. Cultivate this receptive stance by trusting me in every situation.” How perfect is this? Even though I’m going to bed with an intense stomach ache I know the Lord will sustain me and give me strength to make it through the last 24 hours.
Day 7 (Wednesday): The last 24 hours are upon me. My stomachache is still here and only seems to get worse. Usually it goes away by this point in the day. My squad leader and team members are suggesting I go to the doctor in fear that it’s something more serious. But I want to wait it out until tomorrow. I thought I would feel different towards the end of this. But the week isn’t over yet I know that. I just need Him to show up.
Unfortunately, I never finished my fast.
Because this last week God completely reversed my view on Him.
Because He talked to me in ways that I couldn’t even begin to relay.
Because He literally stopped me where I was.
And He showed up.
But that is an entirely different story…
